Big Tom’s Smoke Shop had long since succumbed to the move away from high end cigars and pipe tobacco, choosing to hawk instead a vast collection of neon colored flavored vapes and strangely shaped glass “pipes”. The window tint had yellowed under the unblinking Florida sun and silently flickering in the grimy window, a faded neon “open” sign sputtered and blinked out its forlorn message. A collage of stickers from various tobacco and vape companies peeling along the edges covered the double doors – washed out from long exposure to the same sun that had relentlessly attempted to penetrate the floor to ceiling windows. Firmly affixed to the top of the one working door, a small brass bell intended to announce the arrival of any timid soul brave enough to venture into the interior; it hadn’t worked in years not that there had been any substantive traffic to announce.
It had been a long hot summer trying to get healthy, she had cut down to four cancer sticks a day as her mother used to call them… that was winning right, not that there was anyone to ask; trading two packs a day for sweet cherry vape was progress wasn’t it… and it tasted good too. She pushes through the door shivering just a bit as the icy cold air hits her, there is a sweet oily smell in the air – a combination of syrupy sugar and industrial cleaner. The grimy exterior had given way to garishly bright fluorescent lights illuminating the shelves of vape cartridges and bouncing off the glass display cases holding a broad collection of brightly colored glass pipes. She hadn’t been able to find any “Lost Mary”, some man-boy trying to impress her had given her one months ago, he had been sweet but still just a boy… a weakness if she was honest with herself. He had faded, but the taste of that cherry mist hadn’t; only problem is you couldn’t find it anywhere up here; maybe it was just a South Florida thing she mused wandering through the aisle not really paying attention to the myriad of colored boxes.
Josh had watched her stroll through the door, it wasn’t often anyone bothered to patronize Tom’s never mind a woman put together like this one, a combination of ‘90s cool and edgy punk… she seemed young at first glance, but if you looked a little closer you might notice the marks of a life lived, heartbreaks, and hardship… it had smoothed out her natural beauty a bit, but there was something intoxicating as well – the essence of the feminine emanating almost effortlessly from her. He stammers out, “can I help you find something…” She glances up with a wan smile, “Lost Mary?… cherry?” He wasn’t really her type or maybe he was she thinks wondering if she is falling back into bad habits? He was cute no doubt, younger-probably too young with a full beard and a well inked sleeve… what you would expect in here she thinks to herself. She shakes the thought loose noticing that he is standing just a little to close, close enough she can smell the cheap cologne and beard oil he had anointed himself with a little to generously that morning.
He steps back, “actually I think we have a couple over here…” he wanders down the aisle and reaches up pulling down two of the dark pink boxes, “yep two left… forty-eight bucks apiece, pretty expensive… you sure you want them?” She nods contemplating whether to give him her number or not… lately she had sworn off men again, well bad relationships anyway, which of course they all seemed to evolve to at some point. Then came the inevitable recriminations, the feelings of inadequacy, the heartache and tears. It was routine she was all too familiar with, yet she still seemed unable to break the habit. Loneliness has its own demands and more times than not they trumped good sense and knowing better. She places her card on the counter and gives him a smile finding the strength somehow to turn without giving in… progress right? He watches her go wondering what it would be like to have a woman like that, he shakes his head thinking he should have asked for her number as he watches the door close behind her… Lost Mary… cherry flavor he thinks with a grin… damn she was hot.
Another year winding down and it’s almost past time to have completed the rant… Who could have predicted it would be the week before Christmas and I would find myself sitting in a hotel in North Carolina struggling to condense a year’s worth of experiences into a few short pages? It’s rare I find myself ambivalent when it comes to rant material but, the whole SBux and Dunkin’ thing seems a bit tired – which doesn’t mean they aren’t true, cause let’s be honest those are universal and timeless and there’s been plenty of examples again this year… I fear it’s never going to change. I guess I should insert the normal disclaimer here too… every year the audience for this grows and there will be some “first timers” – don’t take yourself to seriously and if something here pricks your conscience or sensitivities well you might want to ask yourself why… understand though it’s probably you not me…
Last year we talked a bit about being vulnerable, opening up to the ones you love and doing this thing called life together… still good advice and this year has been a further exploration of that dynamic. Our family has another generation coming along and will be adding a fifth grandchild in February… boy do we seem a long way from those first rants! I think back on those early days, the struggles, leans times, figuring it out along the way while learning to raise young children – we were still so young ourselves. I sometimes wonder if my kids are having their own rant worthy experiences; part of me hopes so and then again I’ve worked hard to give them an easier path – maybe the measure is they don’t feel the need to write their own rants – they would probably just text it anyway!
I normally keep “work” out of these but, it’s worth mentioning that I went back to work a year ago and that shit continues with no real end in sight; hell, I am even traveling again if you can believe it. As usual I have met some really great folks, made some new friends, and as is always the case have run into some seriously toxic people – they are out there! Oh, if you are wondering which one you are… don’t wonder you know the truth… I’ll be magnanimous though – no names or details; I’ll just smile and raise my glass of wine toasting their inability to be a genuine human. Hurting feelings in the first page – it’s like the old days, how refreshing.
Enough of that though, should we do a rundown of family events or maybe some pontificating on current events – we do have an election coming up and the world is tragic lately; then again when hasn’t it been? Always a matter of perspective, a derivative of where you stand in the continuum of the human experience; does it really affect me or can I simply feign the appropriate emotions while plodding along in much the same way I always have? It’s the fundamental existential question: does it really matter anyway? I think it probably does, but you could forgive the apathy of those that just say “fuck it all anyway…” So, I vote we skip the political and world events section this year, and since my vote is the only one that matters… motion passed unanimously!
So, family updates it is – and we have a few noteworthy ones this year. First off the princess is pregnant with number two! Yes another granddaughter is on the way; and if you know Kiersta then you understand how much she hates being pregnant. Not being a mom, she is a great one, and not having another child just the physical manifestation of actually having a human inhabiting her body… oh boy does she not enjoy that part of it. Annie can’t wait for a little sister though and her excitement is pretty contagious; we are within weeks at this point! Our core four continue their adult journey – jobs, relationships, kids, businesses, new puppies, stolen trucks, chickens and now that I think about it plenty of rant worthy events! The four grands keep growing; gymnastics, horseback riding lessons, piano, dance, soccer, all the activities kids are supposed to do, making parents ask, “what the hell were we thinking!” In quiet moments of retrospection, I often ponder where the time has gone, cliché? Sure, it is, but it’s too easy to trudge through another day assuming they won’t ever end. Having grands as great as mine though is a bit of a cure for the pervading cynicism of growing old. If I was a touch more sarcastic I would be sending out a yearly syrupy letter extolling their exploits… way to ironic even for me.
Couple of experiences really brought this getting old thing home for me this year; my daughter “gifted” me this online “story” activity – you write a weekly chapter recounting experiences from your life and this company compiles it all into a book for you; well not really for you but for those who remain after you sign off – beautiful hardcover with color pics. Two things on this – asking a writer to write a book about his memories is a perilous ask – no seriously. I reluctantly completed it though – all eighty plus chapters and now I am hoping there is a Volume Two somewhere down the road ‘cause geez do they know something I don’t? I am also anticipating at least one “WTF dad…” out of this… and in a few generations… “great, great grandpa was pretty crazy wasn’t he mom?” “That’s what they say honey…” Should be fun!
A few weeks ago, we lost a friend unexpectedly; “Cinnamon” was only about a year older than I am, went in for some routine outpatient surgery… never came home. The details aren’t important, but she left too early – I joined the family at the hospital for an “Honor Walk” – a ritual where the staff line the halls as they wheel the body to the OR for organ harvesting. There is no delicate way to describe this process and although I am glad I did it – I would be happy never doing it again. It was an unexpected and stark reminder of the impermanence of this thing we call life – organ donorship aside… her journey here is over. Apologize if that seems harsh, I am not blind to the huge gift someone will receive and how their life will continue forward and the joy their loved ones will experience… however, the scales are balanced by the magnitude of loss on this side.
I’m sure you’re asking by now… umm we going to RANT anytime soon? Listen both my knees hurt all the time, one of my shoulders only half works, I’m tired, old, and a bit grumpy so how about you calm the fuck down… I’m getting to it!
Here we go – broke down and took a flight this summer for the first time in almost four years; turns out the shit you see on the news is 100% true – people have lost their minds. I am old enough to remember when we knew how to act on an airplane and we didn’t wear our pajamas either. This wasn’t a little trip either – Tampa to Seattle so a solid six hours in the air each way; and unbeknownst to me this was apparently a CDC charter flight to test whether Covid is still transmissible – it is and yes I got it. I am pretty sure it was the woman sitting behind me on the trip home since she coughed literally the entire time; maskless of course and didn’t bother covering her mouth. I’ve got a great pic of her spewing spike proteins directly on me… Tammy swears you can’t contract it that quickly, but I’m pretty sure I was part of a horrible and involuntary science experiment. I’m not in a hurry to interact with the traveling public again anytime soon and even more reticent to get on a plane again – if you’re traveling; try acting like a normal, responsible and respectful human… it’s not that hard.
This air travel experience informed my decision to drive to my client in North Carolina recently… not interested in revisiting Covid again; having said that I can confirm stupid is not confined to those flying, but alive and well on our interstates. Now I’m not a drive 10 miles under the limit in the left lane guy, but I’m also not a ride your ass at 90MPH in the rain idiot, but those guys are out there and there seems to be an inordinate number of them in the Carolinas… just saying. And by the way, who doesn’t understand the universal merge rules? We take turns one from each side – it’s a system that actually works if you aren’t say a cantankerous entitled old guy in Jacksonville – he was ridiculous, but not quite brave enough to put his Mercedes at risk – I was willing to sacrifice the Kia though! I did feel bad for the young couple from Wisconsin that was completely traumatized by the Florida interstate scene; the man was nearly in tears trying to merge that U-Haul he was driving – he made the mistake of trying to be polite in a state that has never embraced that concept – they are going to love it here!
Maybe I’m just out of practice, it’s true I haven’t really traveled since early 2020, but I just don’t remember it being as insane as it is. Seems to me we have suffered a degree of systemic trauma – a loss of grace and collective patience – did all that social isolation leave a permanent stain on us? The pandemic has been declared over for now, assuming you believed in it to start with; but many folks never returned to an office, to the socialization of spending time face to face, working shoulder to shoulder (literally) and it shows. This is not a new theme for me and a bit of self-introspection is probably in order; is this my new reality or has it always been this way, but I am now just noticing? Did I change, get older, develop a greater sensitivity to these abrasions or has something really changed – my guess is probably a little of both.
For myself I am working hard to develop a greater self-awareness in these situations, making more of an effort to foster positive personal interactions, reduce the tendency to have an immediate negative reaction to these triggers. If you find yourself in similar circumstances rise above, stay the course, and remember time is moving quick enough as it is… no need to waste any energy on this type of nonsense – we all have better things to do with the time allotted to us. Unless you are in my drive thru being entitled and taking up way more of my time than is reasonable… which means order off the damn menu or go inside – just can’t fix stupid!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays my friends none of us know the length of our journey… but is definitely worth the trip, so stay in the light…
Good morning! Living in Florida for almost 30 years you get used to the hurricane season and the fickle nature of these storms… we’ve lived through and hunkered down for more than a couple over the years… of course, if you’re in the path of one take precautions, listen to the experts and protect your family above all else!
Drive by Grandpa says if you see that Cantore guy… get out of town!
Musings 