grandfather – Musings

Another year winding down and it’s almost past time to have completed the rant… Who could have predicted it would be the week before Christmas and I would find myself sitting in a hotel in North Carolina struggling to condense a year’s worth of experiences into a few short pages? It’s rare I find myself ambivalent when it comes to rant material but, the whole SBux and Dunkin’ thing seems a bit tired – which doesn’t mean they aren’t true, cause let’s be honest those are universal and timeless and there’s been plenty of examples again this year… I fear it’s never going to change. I guess I should insert the normal disclaimer here too… every year the audience for this grows and there will be some “first timers” – don’t take yourself to seriously and if something here pricks your conscience or sensitivities well you might want to ask yourself why… understand though it’s probably you not me…

Last year we talked a bit about being vulnerable, opening up to the ones you love and doing this thing called life together… still good advice and this year has been a further exploration of that dynamic. Our family has another generation coming along and will be adding a fifth grandchild in February… boy do we seem a long way from those first rants! I think back on those early days, the struggles, leans times, figuring it out along the way while learning to raise young children – we were still so young ourselves. I sometimes wonder if my kids are having their own rant worthy experiences; part of me hopes so and then again I’ve worked hard to give them an easier path – maybe the measure is they don’t feel the need to write their own rants – they would probably just text it anyway!

I normally keep “work” out of these but, it’s worth mentioning that I went back to work a year ago and that shit continues with no real end in sight; hell, I am even traveling again if you can believe it. As usual I have met some really great folks, made some new friends, and as is always the case have run into some seriously toxic people – they are out there! Oh, if you are wondering which one you are… don’t wonder you know the truth… I’ll be magnanimous though – no names or details; I’ll just smile and raise my glass of wine toasting their inability to be a genuine human. Hurting feelings in the first page – it’s like the old days, how refreshing.

Enough of that though, should we do a rundown of family events or maybe some pontificating on current events – we do have an election coming up and the world is tragic lately; then again when hasn’t it been? Always a matter of perspective, a derivative of where you stand in the continuum of the human experience; does it really affect me or can I simply feign the appropriate emotions while plodding along in much the same way I always have? It’s the fundamental existential question: does it really matter anyway? I think it probably does, but you could forgive the apathy of those that just say “fuck it all anyway…” So, I vote we skip the political and world events section this year, and since my vote is the only one that matters… motion passed unanimously!

So, family updates it is – and we have a few noteworthy ones this year. First off the princess is pregnant with number two! Yes another granddaughter is on the way; and if you know Kiersta then you understand how much she hates being pregnant. Not being a mom, she is a great one, and not having another child just the physical manifestation of actually having a human inhabiting her body… oh boy does she not enjoy that part of it. Annie can’t wait for a little sister though and her excitement is pretty contagious; we are within weeks at this point! Our core four continue their adult journey – jobs, relationships, kids, businesses, new puppies, stolen trucks, chickens and now that I think about it plenty of rant worthy events! The four grands keep growing; gymnastics, horseback riding lessons, piano, dance, soccer, all the activities kids are supposed to do, making parents ask, “what the hell were we thinking!” In quiet moments of retrospection, I often ponder where the time has gone, cliché? Sure, it is, but it’s too easy to trudge through another day assuming they won’t ever end. Having grands as great as mine though is a bit of a cure for the pervading cynicism of growing old. If I was a touch more sarcastic I would be sending out a yearly syrupy letter extolling their exploits… way to ironic even for me.

Couple of experiences really brought this getting old thing home for me this year; my daughter “gifted” me this online “story” activity – you write a weekly chapter recounting experiences from your life and this company compiles it all into a book for you; well not really for you but for those who remain after you sign off – beautiful hardcover with color pics. Two things on this – asking a writer to write a book about his memories is a perilous ask – no seriously. I reluctantly completed it though – all eighty plus chapters and now I am hoping there is a Volume Two somewhere down the road ‘cause geez do they know something I don’t? I am also anticipating at least one “WTF dad…” out of this… and in a few generations… “great, great grandpa was pretty crazy wasn’t he mom?” “That’s what they say honey…” Should be fun!

A few weeks ago, we lost a friend unexpectedly; “Cinnamon” was only about a year older than I am, went in for some routine outpatient surgery… never came home. The details aren’t important, but she left too early – I joined the family at the hospital for an “Honor Walk” – a ritual where the staff line the halls as they wheel the body to the OR for organ harvesting. There is no delicate way to describe this process and although I am glad I did it – I would be happy never doing it again. It was an unexpected and stark reminder of the impermanence of this thing we call life – organ donorship aside… her journey here is over. Apologize if that seems harsh, I am not blind to the huge gift someone will receive and how their life will continue forward and the joy their loved ones will experience… however, the scales are balanced by the magnitude of loss on this side.

I’m sure you’re asking by now… umm we going to RANT anytime soon? Listen both my knees hurt all the time, one of my shoulders only half works, I’m tired, old, and a bit grumpy so how about you calm the fuck down… I’m getting to it!

Here we go – broke down and took a flight this summer for the first time in almost four years; turns out the shit you see on the news is 100% true – people have lost their minds. I am old enough to remember when we knew how to act on an airplane and we didn’t wear our pajamas either. This wasn’t a little trip either – Tampa to Seattle so a solid six hours in the air each way; and unbeknownst to me this was apparently a CDC charter flight to test whether Covid is still transmissible – it is and yes I got it. I am pretty sure it was the woman sitting behind me on the trip home since she coughed literally the entire time; maskless of course and didn’t bother covering her mouth. I’ve got a great pic of her spewing spike proteins directly on me… Tammy swears you can’t contract it that quickly, but I’m pretty sure I was part of a horrible and involuntary science experiment. I’m not in a hurry to interact with the traveling public again anytime soon and even more reticent to get on a plane again – if you’re traveling; try acting like a normal, responsible and respectful human… it’s not that hard.

This air travel experience informed my decision to drive to my client in North Carolina recently… not interested in revisiting Covid again; having said that I can confirm stupid is not confined to those flying, but alive and well on our interstates. Now I’m not a drive 10 miles under the limit in the left lane guy, but I’m also not a ride your ass at 90MPH in the rain idiot, but those guys are out there and there seems to be an inordinate number of them in the Carolinas… just saying. And by the way, who doesn’t understand the universal merge rules? We take turns one from each side – it’s a system that actually works if you aren’t say a cantankerous entitled old guy in Jacksonville – he was ridiculous, but not quite brave enough to put his Mercedes at risk – I was willing to sacrifice the Kia though! I did feel bad for the young couple from Wisconsin that was completely traumatized by the Florida interstate scene; the man was nearly in tears trying to merge that U-Haul he was driving – he made the mistake of trying to be polite in a state that has never embraced that concept – they are going to love it here!

Maybe I’m just out of practice, it’s true I haven’t really traveled since early 2020, but I just don’t remember it being as insane as it is. Seems to me we have suffered a degree of systemic trauma – a loss of grace and collective patience – did all that social isolation leave a permanent stain on us? The pandemic has been declared over for now, assuming you believed in it to start with; but many folks never returned to an office, to the socialization of spending time face to face, working shoulder to shoulder (literally) and it shows. This is not a new theme for me and a bit of self-introspection is probably in order; is this my new reality or has it always been this way, but I am now just noticing? Did I change, get older, develop a greater sensitivity to these abrasions or has something really changed – my guess is probably a little of both.

For myself I am working hard to develop a greater self-awareness in these situations, making more of an effort to foster positive personal interactions, reduce the tendency to have an immediate negative reaction to these triggers. If you find yourself in similar circumstances rise above, stay the course, and remember time is moving quick enough as it is… no need to waste any energy on this type of nonsense – we all have better things to do with the time allotted to us. Unless you are in my drive thru being entitled and taking up way more of my time than is reasonable… which means order off the damn menu or go inside – just can’t fix stupid!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays my friends none of us know the length of our journey… but is definitely worth the trip, so stay in the light…

Joe

The “Rant” started over 20 years ago as an acerbic and sarcastic response to those sappy and wholly unrealistic letters families send out around the holidays.. it’s matured since then of course… well somewhat…

I start this process every year by reading the past few rants, always interesting to wander back and think about my state of mind in those moments, it’s good for some laughs, tears, and few shakes of the head – “like dude WTF?”

Admittedly this year I got caught up in the memories and ended up going back 20 plus years; the digital archive only goes back to 2000; the rant was handwritten in the 90’s. Looking back though it’s funny the things we think are important when only viewing life through a 12-month lense. Taken collectively though it represents a quarter century of life; triumphs, failures, and retrospectively a bit of regret – a father’s narrative if you will on his family and their journey. I can’t help but smile at the brash naivete of some of those early ones, clearly I lacked perspective or at least the context of time.

You’re probably thinking… Oh Christ it’s going to be one of those… and well after thirty years of doing this I feel entitled to write whatever the fuck I want – however, there is plenty to rant about this year so don’t get in a twist we will get there. But not yet – I have the very good fortune of having four very engaged adult children – one of the chief benefits is genuine conversations; a week or so ago we were talking about some of those early days and the evolution of our family dynamic – the core six we call it. One of my sons wondered how or if things would have been different if Dad had been more vulnerable and open in those early years – admittedly he may have been drinking. Still, an interesting question and probably generated by a more open and “vulnerable” dad today; got me thinking though.

Now what the hell does this have to do with a rant you ask? Well maybe nothing, but it forced some introspection and every rant should have a bit of that don’t you think? Interestingly reading back through the years I can see the evolution, that ability to set the fight down and be more open and contemplative. I look back at the early years with a great deal of fondness – but they were tough and I always seemed to be battling: career, money, maintaining a young family – no question I armored up emotionally. No apologies, you do what it takes to get through and keep it together. Things are different now though and I am thankful to set the armor, as beat up as it is, aside and share at a completely different level with my family. They know it was never about loving them, I had to protect myself so I could protect them – not so easy to explain, but the older they get the more they understand. Possibly it’s the perspective of grandchildren and the context a multi-generational view provides; but not be to cliché, all those challenges really do teach you what’s important. No question though our ability to delve into topics like this in a loving and objective way has allowed us to gain a deeper understanding of each other and draws us even closer – it’s a true measure of the love that binds us together.

If you’re early in your journey consider opening a couple of chinks in the armor – no harm will come to you and you might find things are a bit easier to shoulder with some help and understanding from those closest to you. For us seasoned warriors, share the journey, have those important conversations with those that followed you into battle they deserve it. This isn’t a dad only thing either – the journey is shared and everyone has their battles along the way – but we need to learn to bind each other up and heal along the way – when those final notes fade into the breeze I don’t want to leave any wounded troops wondering why I made the choices I did or if I loved them. If you’re shaking your head and thinking, good Lord man what the hell… I’ll make it simple: don’t let all the shit in this world distract you from loving those important to you the rest is just noise.

Damn no ranting at all in that whole first page, well if you endured this far, let me tell you there was plenty of nonsense this year to piss me off. Where to even start the list is long: toxic corporate culture, COVID (haven’t we had enough of this?), why is no one working, a messed-up supply chain – which naturally leads to ridiculous grocery prices and there’s always Starbucks isn’t there?

I spent the first half of this year working sixty-hour weeks worshipping at the altar of corporate greed only to be unceremoniously sacrificed on a beautiful sunny Monday morning in May; no hard feelings though they had been showing their true colors for months and I probably should have seen it coming – it’s only business right? I decided it was an excellent excuse to take the summer off and detox a bit while figuring out what was next. I wasn’t alone though, there were 200+ of us let go that morning; normally losing a job isn’t a positive, but something really cool happened. We came together and started a vibrant digital community supporting each other – job leads, encouragement, and the knowledge that none of us had to go this alone. The ability to share the experience meant we didn’t have to armor up – unfortunately we have added another 500 or so to our group, but we’ve built a support system they can lean into. Great stuff right, but as positive as it is/was direct deposit is pretty damn good too and the folks that let all of us go are still worshipping. Looking back though, it was a potent reminder of why I left the corporate world in the first place. Okay so that wasn’t quite a rant either, but I think the message here is simple: be careful what your worship – people matter, a job is just a job, don’t get confused about that.

Now having the summer off did give me plenty of time to enjoy a personal bout with COVID, without the distractions of having to work. Let me tell you, in case this is still confusing to you, being vaccinated apparently has absolutely no bearing or impact on whether you will get the virus – vaxed and double boosted and tested positive. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t get the jab; I’m just saying I still got plenty sick. According to the “experts” though I got less sick than as sick as I could have been if I had been really sick… umm ok how the hell does that even work? Of course, I was immediately prescribed the Paxlovid pill – just so you know this pretty much gives you the same symptoms as the virus only less? Hmmm, once again less severe than as severe as they could have been if they had been really severe? You see where this is going right, I came through it though, but definitely don’t want to do it again. Final note on this, I don’t know if this long COVID thing is real or if I am just feeling my age these days, but I am a new kind of tired at the end of the day – I’m blaming the virus, why not… or maybe it’s because I am working again? Whatever the case if you’re sick (any kind of sick) stay the hell away from me.

Now this supply chain issue is also not new this year, pretty sure I bitched about it last year too, but damn crazy the stuff that you just can’t get ahold of these days. Half the time I can’t get Half & Half and that half the time I’m forced to head up to Starbucks. You all know how that winds me up, cause that damn Prius and the double half oat milk / soy latte with no foam is always ahead of me; never mind that half the time they’re out of half the ingredients as well. When you can get groceries, they seem to cost twice as much and shortages have forced me to get inventive with a recipe every now and again – still these are first world problems. It’s interesting though shortages extend beyond our grocery store shelves, I stopped by the local Ford dealer the other day, (looking not buying) still no new F150s to be found – turns out Ford is having supply chain issues getting their blue ovals… seriously the oval badge! Seems ridiculous… I don’t know the answer, but I’m guessing this isn’t a quick fix; I’m not buying a cow for my coffee, but maybe I should grow some of my own vegetables and do some canning… maybe a chicken?

There’s plenty of other things to rant about, why can’t businesses find folks to work? Where the hell did everyone go? Half the places I go – especially restaurants – are having trouble staying open because folks just don’t show up for work – seems crazy to me and they are having the same supply chain issues everyone else is. I drove through a Hardee’s the other morning (biscuit craving – shut-up!) the staff was walking out – biscuit maker decided not to show up – is that even legal south of the Mason-Dixon line? Biscuits aside, rollercoaster gas prices also make me crazy, especially because I have a hard time believing our old friend Vlad has anything to do with it. More importantly any little drop totally creates ridiculous lines at the gas station (worse than Sbux, but not a Prius in sight) they have us on a string – and you all know how I feel about lines. I promised myself I wasn’t going to talk about politics this year, but the cynicism and hypocrisy of these people is infuriating, yet we continue to support what has become an intractable stalemate – “it is what it is,” isn’t enough any longer, don’t we have to figure this out at some point?

When I started this journey the rant was all about crafting a cynical and overtly sarcastic response to those sappy end of year letters we used to get when our kids were small and Tammy and I were struggling to figure out what we could afford for Christmas. Mixed in with the flurry of bills would come half a dozen delightful letters extolling the virtues of other families’ Nobel Prize winning children and all the excellent adventures they experienced over the course of the year. Tammy and I were excited when we could afford Happy Meals for the boys, and keeping the lights on was adventure enough… what the hell I thought. Actually, it was probably closer to… “F’ you guys!” We certainly weren’t having the same experience raising our kids; thus, was born the rant. I haven’t received one of those letters in a long time and my own kids have grown past the point of me extolling their blunders and achievements, but l look back on those days and know that as difficult as it was; the six of us were always in it together – we made it through. Now we have another generation coming up, four of the most wonderful high achieving and one might even say exceptional grandkids to ever exist. Just kidding, they are a handful and that’s as it should be – the best part for me… PaPa doesn’t have to wear any armor with these little ones, I can just be PaPa.