As many of you are no doubt aware I have been actively participating, not voluntarily mind you, in a vigorous morning work out of “Sock Yoga.” Now I am not going to go into any detail on the whole Yoga thing let’s just say it’s a forced participation event based on a condition I like to refer to as “Big Guyism” some irreverent and well downright disrespectful people add “Old” to that, really an unnecessary cheap shot in my book, but there you have it. Anyway, just when I felt like I was starting to make some progress on this front I noticed a lot of folks are wearing these little “Fit Bit” bracelets, what evil spirit from the fiery depths of hell thought this little invention up?
To be truthful I only noticed them after finding a number of people in my hotel lobby walking in circles around eleven thirty one night muttering about not making it to ten thousand steps. Clearly I was not going to inquire about anything to do with steps never mind ten fucking thousand of them, but then I find out both my wife and daughter have come under the spell of this demonic device. Certainly clears up the running around the house just before midnight mystery. Well after a little investigation apparently ten thousand steps represents five miles and some fool’s idea of what you should be walking every day in order to stay healthy; hell I won’t drive five miles unless there is pasta at the end of that journey or some enormous coffee drive thru line – but that’s another rant. Turns out this phenomenon has spread beyond just these little bracelets and is now embedded in our cell phones, of course right? So I notice my new LG, which I really like by the way, has been tracking my steps over the past two weeks, and apparently I am not living up to it’s expectations. Yes you guessed it, it’s been grading me and I am not passing this particular test, I just wonder who the hell it’s texting this data to, probably my insurance carrier, another heartless “do gooder” that won’t get off my ass.
So you know where this going don’t you… the next generation of these damn things is going to wake your fat ass up so you can get an earlier start on achieving your “steps.” And I’m sure there will be some “motivation app” that yells at you to get your fat ass moving if you are falling behind. I’m just waiting for my phone to call so it can update me on what a lazy fat guy I am, won’t that be just fucking great? I am not giving into the pressure though, I set a new personal record of 3,432 steps the other day, however I am pretty sure playing drums on the steering wheel definitely confuses my phone and added at least 1,123 “steps” imagine how relieved I was.
Stay strong my friends don’t let the technology beat us…